Monday, December 21, 2009

Looking to buy a frog?

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"


A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Free drinks for everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!v When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
The ones you put butter on?
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells ?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells !"

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring !


Thursday, February 19, 2009

एक दंपत्ति अपनी शादी की चालीसवीं वर्षगांठ मना रहे थे। संयोग से उस दिन पत्नी का साठवां जन्मदिन भी था। उस रात उनके घर में एक परी प्रकट हुई। उसने उन दोनों से कहा कि वे दोनों इतने लम्बे समय से बड़े प्यार से रह रहे हैं जिससे वह बहुत खुश है। परी ने कहा कि वे उससे एक एक वरदान मांग सकते हैं।

पत्नी, जो कि अपने पति से बेइंतहा प्यार करती थी, ने परी से कहा कि वह अपने पति के साथ दुनिया की सारी मनोरम जगहों की सैर करना चाहती है, पर उसके पास इतने पैसे नहीं हैं। परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और पत्नी के हाथ में हवाई जहाज के टिकटों से भरा लिफाफा आ गया।

अब मांगने की बारी पति की थी। उसने एक मिनट सोचा फिर बोला - ''ईमानदारी से कहूं, तो मैं अपने लिये अपने से 30 साल छोटी पत्नी चाहता हूं।''परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और .......... । पति महोदय तुरंत 90 साल के हो गये।
टीचर (क्लास मे पढाते हुए), "बच्चो आयकर, बिक्रीकर, भूमिकर से मिलता झुलता कोइ और शब्द बताओ।"

निशु, "सर, एक नही तीन शब्द सुने, सुनील गावासकर, सचिन तैंदुलकर और दिलीप वेंगसरकर।"

90 वर्षीय एक सज्जन की दस करोड़ की लाटरी लग गई। इतनी बड़ी खबर सुनकर कहीं दादाजी खुशी से मर न जाएं, यह सोचकर उनके घरवालों ने उन्हें तुरंत जानकारी नहीं दी। सबने तय किया कि पहले एक डॉक्टर को बुलवाया जाए फिर उसकी मौजूदगी में उन्हें यह समाचार दिया जाए ताकि दिल का दौरा पड़ने की हालत में वह स्थिति को संभाल सके।

शहर के जानेमाने दिल के डॉक्टर से संपर्क किया गया । डॉक्टर साहब ने घरवालों को आश्वस्त किया - आप लोग चिंता मत करें । दादाजी को यह समाचार मैं खुद दूंगा । उन्हें कुछ नहीं होगा, मेरी गारंटी है।

डॉक्टर साहब दादाजी के पास गए । कुछ देर इधर - उधर की बातें कीं फिर बोले - दादाजी, मैं आपको एक शुभ समाचार देना चाहता हूं। आपके नाम दस करोड़ की लाटरी निकली हैं।

दादाजी बोले - अच्छा ! लेकिन मैं इस उमर में इतने पैसों का क्या करूंगा । पर अब तूने यह खबर सुनाई है तो जा, आधी रकम मैंने तुझे दी।

डॉक्टर साहब धम् से जमीन पर गिरे और उनके प्राण पखेरू उड़ गए ।

Hindi Jokes

एक कम्प्यूटर सॉफ़्टवेयर डेवलपमेंट कम्पनी में एक ऑफिस बॉय काम करता था. वह सभी कर्मचारियों को चाय, कॉफ़ी इत्यादि पिलाया करता था. वह समर्पित इंसान था, परंतु वह अनपढ़ था, जिससे कभी कभी उसे मुश्किलों का सामना भी करना पड़ जाता था. अपने कठिन परिश्रम से वह लोगों का दिल जीत कर काम कर रहा था. एक दिन कंपनी में एक सर्कुलर जारी हुआ जिसमें प्रॉडक्टिविटी बढ़ाने के नाम पर उन सभी कर्मचारियों की छंटनी कर दी गई जो पढ़े लिखे नहीं थे. लिहाज़ा उस ऑफ़िस बॉय की नौकरी भी जाती रही. उसने जीवन यापन के लिए पुराने कम्प्यूटरों को खरीदने-बेचने का धंधा शुरू कर दिया.उसका यह धंधा चल निकला और वह देखते ही देखते देश का सबसे बड़ा सेकण्ड हैण्ड हार्डवेयर दुकानों की शृंखला का मालिक बन गया. उसने अपने धंधे को डाइवर्सिफ़ाई करने के इरादे से ताबड़तोड़ सॉफ़्टवेयर कंपनियाँ खरीदने लगा. उसने वह सॉफ़्टवेयर कंपनी भी खरीद ली जिसमें से उसे ऑफ़िस बॉय के रूप में निकाल दिया गया था.उस कंपनी के काग़ज़ात उसके पास दस्तखत के लिए लाए गए. उसके होठों पर विद्रूपता की क्षीण सी मुस्कान उभरी. वह बोला – अगर मुझे दस्तखत करना आता होता तो इस कंपनी में मैं अभी भी ऑफ़िस बॉय ही बना रहता...