Jokes

Son- Father what is the spelling of inspector?
Father- Why are you asking?
Son- Today my teacher asked me to write down my father's occupation but i did'nt know the spelling of inspector.
Father- So what did you write?
Son- I wrote WASHERMAN instead.

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Wife-Our servant has stolen t he silver spoon.
Husband-which one?
Wife-the one which we stole frome a hotel at kashmir.
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Teacher: "Why is honesty the best policy?"
Student: "Because there is hardly any competition".

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Wife to husband: "Could you not have hired a better servant?"
Husband: "Why? what happened?"
Wife: "He stole the spoon you stole from the hotel."
Contributed by Sajal
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A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His neighbour saw this and asked him, "Why are you taking that table out of your house."
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a tablecloth of its size"

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A tourist climbed out of his car in Connaught Place, New Delhi.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I visit this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the Indian Parliament?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

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A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

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What kind of ant is good at adding up?
An accountant

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A man bought tickets from the ticket win down of a theatre. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he came back to buy two more tickets, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
“Aren’t you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?”
He asked, puzzled. “Yes”, replied the man plaintively, ‘But there’s some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!’

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Once,Saddam Hussain went to God & asked him "God , when will I see Iraq defeat USA?"
God said, "I am sorry my son but, U will never see it in your life time."
Then Musharraf went and asked God "Lord when will I see capture of Kashmir by Pakistan ?"
God replied ,"I am sorry my son but, U will never see that in your life time "
He too walks away sadly.
Then Laloo Prasad Yadav went to lord and asked God , "God , when will I see Bihar a rich , prosperous and developed state ?"
God heard this and started crying. Laloo seeing this was astounded and asked God "Why are U crying?"
God replied,"I am sorry my son but, I will never see that in my life time

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What did a telephone say to another telephone?
"Let's get engaged"

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Our brain has two parts: left and the right
The left one has nothing right in it and the right one has nothing left in it
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A government servant went to a doctor.
“Doctor, I am suffering from exhaustion. Please advise me," he said.
After a careful examination the doctor suggested, “You need complete rest. Return to your office as soon as possible”.

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An error in computer: Keyboard not attached;press F1 to continue.

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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Boss to his secretary: “I thought that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you had to see your dentist?”
Secretary: “That’s right, sir”
Boss: “So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a young man?”
Secretary: “That was my dentist”
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Sita: "How old is your sister?"
Geeta: "Twenty five"
Sita: "But she says that she is twenty"
Geeta: "She is right in her own way, you see she learnt counting only at the age of five".

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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
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How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
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Hari: "Where do birds meet for coffee ?"
Pradeep: "In a nest-cafe!"
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Customer: “Waiter, I’d like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad.”
Waiter: “I am sorry, sir, but the cook has already opened the tin.”

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An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

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The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,"Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"
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There were two people were robbing an apartment.
The first one said, “I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!”
The second one said, “Are you crazy? We’re on the thirteenth floor!”
The first one said, “This is not the time to be superstitious!”

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Angry Judge in Court: Order, Order
Defendant: If you insist, I’ll have a chicken burger.
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MOHAN AND SOHAN WERE CRICKET FANS.THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHOEVER GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST,WILL TELL THE OTHER IF THERE WAS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. ONE NIGHT MOHAN PASSED AWAY.THE NEXT NIGHT,SOHAN HEARD A VOICE-
SOHAN:IS THAT YOU MOHAN?
MOHAN(IN SPIRIT):YES IT'S ME.
SOHAN:SO TELL ME,IS THERE CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO?
MOHAN:I HAVE A GOOD NEWS AND A BAD NEWS.
SOHAN:TELL ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.
MOHAN:THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT,
YES,THERE IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. SOHAN:AND THE BAD ONE.
MOHAN:THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER OF THE MATCH TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Sachin:Boost is the secret of my energy. Ganguly:If its secret then why r u revealing to me?
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What do you call a student who appears for the SSC exam agsin?
ans- MATRICS REALODED
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William - My name is William .S. Bernstein.
Frank - What does the 's' stand for?
William - Nothing.My father accidently dropped a noodle on my birth certificate.

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Shopkeeper-This computer will reduce your work load by 50%.
Customer-GREAT!Give me two !
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Teacher-Why does the moon shine?
Student-Because it is bald.
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A man bought a ticket at the ticket window,again after sometime ,he bought a ticket ,and again,and again.
the clerk asked him why he was doing so
he replied "whenever I try to go inside this man tears my ticket into half
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Minister: Hi son! How are your studies going?
Son: Fine dad, but I have a history paper tomorrow and I haven't studied a thing
Ministe: Okay, I shall have a bandh declared right away.
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ONCE TWO SIKHS WENT TO RUSSIA.IN ORDER TO TEST ONE SIKHS BRAIN , ONE RUSSIAN ASKED HIM HOW MANY SLICES OF BREAD HE COULD EAT IN AN EMPTY STOMACH .HE SAID"FIFTEEN".
THE RUSSIAN SAID THAT WITH THE FIRST PIECE OF BREAD THAT HE ATE HIS STOMACH WAS NO LONGER EMPTY.
THE SIKH APPRECIATED THE JOKE AND HE WENT BACK TO HIS FRIEND AND POSED THE SAME QUESTION TO HIM. HE REPLIED,"SIXTEEN" .
THE OTHER SIKH SAID"OH! IF YOU HAD SAID 'FIFTEEN ', I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A GOOD JOKE.
HA ! HA!
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Chacha Chaudhary to a waiter:I don't know why people call you waiter?It's me who is waiting
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Once upon time there was a construction going on .Suddenly one labourer fell down and hurt very badly. The father of a nearby church came to the hospital and said that" God was with you ".
Just after that the labourer shouted .Father ran quickly to the labourer and asked him, "Why have you shouted? ,He said "Just now you said that God was with me ,I was also thinking that who pushed me. Now I know that God had pushed me ".

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A man gave an ad in a newspaper saying"Wife Wanted"
He got hundreds of letters the next day.They all said, "You can take mine"
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Husband to Wife:Bring me a cup of tea
Wife:With pleasure
Husband:No,with milk and sugar.

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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?

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what did one eye say to the other eye ?
There is something between us that smells.
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Sherlock Holmes was sleeping in a tent in a forest alongwith his assistant Watson when he woke up and saw something right over his head. so,he shrugged Watson and asked him whether he noticed anything.
Watson : "I see a lot of stars up there and galaxies and ........blah blah!"
Holmes:"..and nothing else!"
Watson:"Naa!" Holmes:"You moron!our tent is missing"
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Saddam's son goes shopping but everything he bought was packed in boxes.
Saddam asked:"Why in boxes?"
His son replied: "There is no more Bag-dad"
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Once two sardars were playing chess. Two more of them came and asked the previous ones,"Could we play doubles,please."

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Hijacker-We have hijacked this plane now our destination is Paris.
Pilot-But this flight is not going to Paris.
Hijacker-Maybe we hijacked a wrong plane.

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After death,Laloo Yadav,L.K.Advani& Vajpeyi ji went to hell.After some years of hardwork at hell,they remembered their families.They requested Yamraj to let them make a call.
The nearest P.C.O. booth was 10 miles away,so after walking for 3 days,they reached it.
First Mr.Vajpeyi made a call for 2 minutes.Bill--Rs.1000.
Next Mr.Advani made a call for 10 minutes.Bill--Rs.5000.
Then Laloo ji went in and made a call to Bihar for 2 hours. Bill--Rs.20.
The other two went and reported this to Yamraj,to which he replied,"What can I do if there is a local connection between Hell & Bihar?!"
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once teacher asked her students that "one child is sitting on the table and two children are sitting under the table, so how many children are there"?
one child stood up and said "ma'am two children are there".
After hearing this answer second student stood and said "M'am,heis wrong ,the correct answer is 1/2".
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Mother:Faraz, What is the matter,son?Why do you cry?
Faraz:Mother.I got my foot hurt while playing football in the school.
Mother:But what makes you cry now?
Faraz:There was no time to cry in the school.

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