Looking to buy a frog?

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

I know you were drunk yesterday

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

A drunk orders himself a beer

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Free drinks for everyone

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot!"

Jokes

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains
Well pull yourself together then

Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
Next please!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please

Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.
You're too tents.

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I’m invisible
Who said that?

Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!
Hmmmm.Let's hope nothing develops.

Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

Doctor, Doctor I’ve lost my memory!v When did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil ‘till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bridge
What's come over you?
Oh, two cars, a large truck and a coach.

Doctor Doctor I feel like biscuits!
What, you mean those square ones?
Yes!
The ones you put butter on?
Yes!
Oh, You're Crackers!

Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, Doctor When I press with my finger here... it hurts, and here... it hurts, and here... and here... What do you think is wrong with me?
You have a broken finger!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a dog.
How long have you felt like this ?
Ever since I was a puppy !

Doctor, Doctor you have to help me out !
Certainly, which way did you come in ?

Doctor, Doctor my little boy has just swallowed a roll of film.
Well lets just wait and see if anything develops !

Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God
When did this start ?
Well first I created the sun, then the earth...

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon !
Well sit still and don't stir !

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out ?

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop !

Doctor, Doctor I've just swallowed a pen
Well sit down and write your name !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a dog !
Sit !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like an apple.
We must get to the core of this !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a sheep.
That's baaaaaaaaaad !

Doctor, Doctor you've taken out my tonsils, my adenoids, my gall bladder, my varicose veins and my appendix, but I still don't feel well.
That's quite enough out of you !

Doctor, Doctor I'm becoming invisible.
Yes I can see you're not all there !

Doctor how can I cure my sleep walking ?
Sprinkle tin-tacks on your bedroom floor !

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO...
What's wrong with them ?
They keep slipping out from under my arms !

Doctor, Doctor my husband smells like fish
Poor sole !

Doctor: You seem to be in excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as clockwork.
Patient: That's because you've got your hand on my watch !

Doctor, Doctor my sister thinks she is a lift !
Well tell her to come in
I can't she doesn't stop at this floor !

Doctor, Doctor I've had tummy ache since I ate three crabs yesterday.
Did they smell bad when you took them out of their shells ?
What do you mean "took them out of their shells !"

Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don't talk rubbish !

Doctor, Doctor I'm boiling up !
Just simmer down !

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots ?
I never make rash promises !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.
I see your point !
Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad ?
Well, I ouldn't start watching any new soap operas !

Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps !

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a bee.
Well buzz off I'm busy !

Doctor, Doctor I'm a burglar !
Have you taken anything for it ?

Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double.
Please sit on the couch.
Which one !

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a telephone.
Well, take these pills and if they don't work then give me a ring !


Soruce:http://jokes.allindiansite.com/doctor.html

एक दंपत्ति अपनी शादी की चालीसवीं वर्षगांठ मना रहे थे। संयोग से उस दिन पत्नी का साठवां जन्मदिन भी था। उस रात उनके घर में एक परी प्रकट हुई। उसने उन दोनों से कहा कि वे दोनों इतने लम्बे समय से बड़े प्यार से रह रहे हैं जिससे वह बहुत खुश है। परी ने कहा कि वे उससे एक एक वरदान मांग सकते हैं।

पत्नी, जो कि अपने पति से बेइंतहा प्यार करती थी, ने परी से कहा कि वह अपने पति के साथ दुनिया की सारी मनोरम जगहों की सैर करना चाहती है, पर उसके पास इतने पैसे नहीं हैं। परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और पत्नी के हाथ में हवाई जहाज के टिकटों से भरा लिफाफा आ गया।

अब मांगने की बारी पति की थी। उसने एक मिनट सोचा फिर बोला - ''ईमानदारी से कहूं, तो मैं अपने लिये अपने से 30 साल छोटी पत्नी चाहता हूं।''परी ने अपनी छड़ी घुमाई और .......... । पति महोदय तुरंत 90 साल के हो गये।

टीचर (क्लास मे पढाते हुए), "बच्चो आयकर, बिक्रीकर, भूमिकर से मिलता झुलता कोइ और शब्द बताओ।"

निशु, "सर, एक नही तीन शब्द सुने, सुनील गावासकर, सचिन तैंदुलकर और दिलीप वेंगसरकर।"

90 वर्षीय एक सज्जन की दस करोड़ की लाटरी लग गई। इतनी बड़ी खबर सुनकर कहीं दादाजी खुशी से मर न जाएं, यह सोचकर उनके घरवालों ने उन्हें तुरंत जानकारी नहीं दी। सबने तय किया कि पहले एक डॉक्टर को बुलवाया जाए फिर उसकी मौजूदगी में उन्हें यह समाचार दिया जाए ताकि दिल का दौरा पड़ने की हालत में वह स्थिति को संभाल सके।

शहर के जानेमाने दिल के डॉक्टर से संपर्क किया गया । डॉक्टर साहब ने घरवालों को आश्वस्त किया - आप लोग चिंता मत करें । दादाजी को यह समाचार मैं खुद दूंगा । उन्हें कुछ नहीं होगा, मेरी गारंटी है।

डॉक्टर साहब दादाजी के पास गए । कुछ देर इधर - उधर की बातें कीं फिर बोले - दादाजी, मैं आपको एक शुभ समाचार देना चाहता हूं। आपके नाम दस करोड़ की लाटरी निकली हैं।

दादाजी बोले - अच्छा ! लेकिन मैं इस उमर में इतने पैसों का क्या करूंगा । पर अब तूने यह खबर सुनाई है तो जा, आधी रकम मैंने तुझे दी।

डॉक्टर साहब धम् से जमीन पर गिरे और उनके प्राण पखेरू उड़ गए ।

Hindi Jokes

एक कम्प्यूटर सॉफ़्टवेयर डेवलपमेंट कम्पनी में एक ऑफिस बॉय काम करता था. वह सभी कर्मचारियों को चाय, कॉफ़ी इत्यादि पिलाया करता था. वह समर्पित इंसान था, परंतु वह अनपढ़ था, जिससे कभी कभी उसे मुश्किलों का सामना भी करना पड़ जाता था. अपने कठिन परिश्रम से वह लोगों का दिल जीत कर काम कर रहा था. एक दिन कंपनी में एक सर्कुलर जारी हुआ जिसमें प्रॉडक्टिविटी बढ़ाने के नाम पर उन सभी कर्मचारियों की छंटनी कर दी गई जो पढ़े लिखे नहीं थे. लिहाज़ा उस ऑफ़िस बॉय की नौकरी भी जाती रही. उसने जीवन यापन के लिए पुराने कम्प्यूटरों को खरीदने-बेचने का धंधा शुरू कर दिया.उसका यह धंधा चल निकला और वह देखते ही देखते देश का सबसे बड़ा सेकण्ड हैण्ड हार्डवेयर दुकानों की शृंखला का मालिक बन गया. उसने अपने धंधे को डाइवर्सिफ़ाई करने के इरादे से ताबड़तोड़ सॉफ़्टवेयर कंपनियाँ खरीदने लगा. उसने वह सॉफ़्टवेयर कंपनी भी खरीद ली जिसमें से उसे ऑफ़िस बॉय के रूप में निकाल दिया गया था.उस कंपनी के काग़ज़ात उसके पास दस्तखत के लिए लाए गए. उसके होठों पर विद्रूपता की क्षीण सी मुस्कान उभरी. वह बोला – अगर मुझे दस्तखत करना आता होता तो इस कंपनी में मैं अभी भी ऑफ़िस बॉय ही बना रहता...

1) शिक्षक (सोनू से)- तुम गणित में फेल हो गए हो।

सोनू (शिक्षक से)- मैं क्या करता, आपने ही गलत पढ़ाया।

कभी 4 और 4 आठ बताया, कभी 6 और 2 आठ बताया और कभी 5 और 3 आठ बताया।


2) भिखारी (कंजूस से)- पचास पैसे दे दो भैया, मैंने तीन दिन से खाना नहीं खाया है।

कंजूस (भिखारी से)- दस रुपये दूंगा, पहले ये तो बता पचास पैसे में खाना कहां मिलता है।



3) डॉक्टर (रोगी से)- आपका और आपकी बीवी का ब्लड ग्रुप एक ही है?

रोगी (डॉक्टर से)- होगा जरूर होगा, पिछले पच्चीस साल से मेरा खून जो पी रही है।

4 थप्पड़ मारने पर नाराज पत्नी से पति ने मनाने के अंदाज में कहा कि आदमी उसे ही मारता है जिसे वो प्यार करता है।

इस बात पर पत्नी ने पति को दो थप्पड़ जड़ दिए।

पति (चौंककर)- तुमने क्यों मारा?

पत्नी- आप क्या समझते हैं कि मैं आपसे प्यार नहीं करती।

Jokes

Son- Father what is the spelling of inspector?
Father- Why are you asking?
Son- Today my teacher asked me to write down my father's occupation but i did'nt know the spelling of inspector.
Father- So what did you write?
Son- I wrote WASHERMAN instead.

Soruce: http://www.indiavilas.com/kidscorner/defaultmain.asp?k=other

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Wife-Our servant has stolen t he silver spoon.
Husband-which one?
Wife-the one which we stole frome a hotel at kashmir.
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Teacher: "Why is honesty the best policy?"
Student: "Because there is hardly any competition".

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Wife to husband: "Could you not have hired a better servant?"
Husband: "Why? what happened?"
Wife: "He stole the spoon you stole from the hotel."
Contributed by Sajal
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A man was struggling to get a table out of his house. His neighbour saw this and asked him, "Why are you taking that table out of your house."
The man replies "I have to take it to the shop to buy a tablecloth of its size"

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A tourist climbed out of his car in Connaught Place, New Delhi.
He said to a man standing near the curb, "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I visit this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize that I am a member of the Indian Parliament?"
"Well no," the tourist said, "I didn't realize that. But it's all right. I'll trust you anyway."

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A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."
The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

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What kind of ant is good at adding up?
An accountant

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A man bought tickets from the ticket win down of a theatre. A few minutes later he returned and bought two more. When, after a short interval, he came back to buy two more tickets, the ticket-seller opened the little door in the glass and spoke up.
“Aren’t you the same gentleman who just bought two tickets and two others just a little while ago?”
He asked, puzzled. “Yes”, replied the man plaintively, ‘But there’s some fool at the gate who keeps tearing them up!’

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Once,Saddam Hussain went to God & asked him "God , when will I see Iraq defeat USA?"
God said, "I am sorry my son but, U will never see it in your life time."
Then Musharraf went and asked God "Lord when will I see capture of Kashmir by Pakistan ?"
God replied ,"I am sorry my son but, U will never see that in your life time "
He too walks away sadly.
Then Laloo Prasad Yadav went to lord and asked God , "God , when will I see Bihar a rich , prosperous and developed state ?"
God heard this and started crying. Laloo seeing this was astounded and asked God "Why are U crying?"
God replied,"I am sorry my son but, I will never see that in my life time

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What did a telephone say to another telephone?
"Let's get engaged"

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Our brain has two parts: left and the right
The left one has nothing right in it and the right one has nothing left in it
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A government servant went to a doctor.
“Doctor, I am suffering from exhaustion. Please advise me," he said.
After a careful examination the doctor suggested, “You need complete rest. Return to your office as soon as possible”.

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An error in computer: Keyboard not attached;press F1 to continue.

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There was an elderly man at home, upstairs, dying in bed.
He smelled the aroma of his favourite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies.
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did you do that?"
"Those are for the funeral."

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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37. Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
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Boss to his secretary: “I thought that you wanted yesterday afternoon off because you had to see your dentist?”
Secretary: “That’s right, sir”
Boss: “So how come I saw you coming out of the movie theatre with a young man?”
Secretary: “That was my dentist”
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Sita: "How old is your sister?"
Geeta: "Twenty five"
Sita: "But she says that she is twenty"
Geeta: "She is right in her own way, you see she learnt counting only at the age of five".

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What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.
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How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.
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Hari: "Where do birds meet for coffee ?"
Pradeep: "In a nest-cafe!"
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Customer: “Waiter, I’d like to cancel my order for fresh fruit salad.”
Waiter: “I am sorry, sir, but the cook has already opened the tin.”

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An American who finds himself in Moscow wants to know the time. He sees a man approaching him carrying two heavy suitcases and asks the fellow if he knows the correct time.
"Certainly," says the Russian, setting down the two bags and looking at his wrist. "It is 11:43 and 17 seconds. The date is Feb. 13, the moon is nearing its full phase and the atmospheric pressure stands at 992 hectopascals and is rising."
The visitor is dumbfounded but manages to ask if the watch that provides all this information is Japanese. No, he is told, it is "our own, a product of Soviet Technology."
"Well, that is wonderful, you are to be congratulated."
"Yes," the Russian answers, straining to pick up the suitcases, "but these batteries are still a little heavy."

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The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church.
After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church. "Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Joanthan's hand.
As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked. "Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!" "I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered. "I want you to have it," said Jonathan.
After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."

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A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man,"Give me 100 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow!" the co-op man replies. "You must really be doing well!"
"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

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There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!"
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There were two people were robbing an apartment.
The first one said, “I hear the owner coming! Quick, jump out the window!”
The second one said, “Are you crazy? We’re on the thirteenth floor!”
The first one said, “This is not the time to be superstitious!”

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Angry Judge in Court: Order, Order
Defendant: If you insist, I’ll have a chicken burger.
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MOHAN AND SOHAN WERE CRICKET FANS.THEY BOTH DECIDED THAT WHOEVER GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST,WILL TELL THE OTHER IF THERE WAS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. ONE NIGHT MOHAN PASSED AWAY.THE NEXT NIGHT,SOHAN HEARD A VOICE-
SOHAN:IS THAT YOU MOHAN?
MOHAN(IN SPIRIT):YES IT'S ME.
SOHAN:SO TELL ME,IS THERE CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO?
MOHAN:I HAVE A GOOD NEWS AND A BAD NEWS.
SOHAN:TELL ME THE GOOD NEWS FIRST.
MOHAN:THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT,
YES,THERE IS CRICKET IN HEAVEN TOO. SOHAN:AND THE BAD ONE.
MOHAN:THE BAD NEWS IS THAT YOU ARE THE OPENING BOWLER OF THE MATCH TOMORROW NIGHT.

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Sachin:Boost is the secret of my energy. Ganguly:If its secret then why r u revealing to me?
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What do you call a student who appears for the SSC exam agsin?
ans- MATRICS REALODED
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William - My name is William .S. Bernstein.
Frank - What does the 's' stand for?
William - Nothing.My father accidently dropped a noodle on my birth certificate.

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Shopkeeper-This computer will reduce your work load by 50%.
Customer-GREAT!Give me two !
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Teacher-Why does the moon shine?
Student-Because it is bald.
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A man bought a ticket at the ticket window,again after sometime ,he bought a ticket ,and again,and again.
the clerk asked him why he was doing so
he replied "whenever I try to go inside this man tears my ticket into half
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Minister: Hi son! How are your studies going?
Son: Fine dad, but I have a history paper tomorrow and I haven't studied a thing
Ministe: Okay, I shall have a bandh declared right away.
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ONCE TWO SIKHS WENT TO RUSSIA.IN ORDER TO TEST ONE SIKHS BRAIN , ONE RUSSIAN ASKED HIM HOW MANY SLICES OF BREAD HE COULD EAT IN AN EMPTY STOMACH .HE SAID"FIFTEEN".
THE RUSSIAN SAID THAT WITH THE FIRST PIECE OF BREAD THAT HE ATE HIS STOMACH WAS NO LONGER EMPTY.
THE SIKH APPRECIATED THE JOKE AND HE WENT BACK TO HIS FRIEND AND POSED THE SAME QUESTION TO HIM. HE REPLIED,"SIXTEEN" .
THE OTHER SIKH SAID"OH! IF YOU HAD SAID 'FIFTEEN ', I WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU A GOOD JOKE.
HA ! HA!
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Chacha Chaudhary to a waiter:I don't know why people call you waiter?It's me who is waiting
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Once upon time there was a construction going on .Suddenly one labourer fell down and hurt very badly. The father of a nearby church came to the hospital and said that" God was with you ".
Just after that the labourer shouted .Father ran quickly to the labourer and asked him, "Why have you shouted? ,He said "Just now you said that God was with me ,I was also thinking that who pushed me. Now I know that God had pushed me ".

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A man gave an ad in a newspaper saying"Wife Wanted"
He got hundreds of letters the next day.They all said, "You can take mine"
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Husband to Wife:Bring me a cup of tea
Wife:With pleasure
Husband:No,with milk and sugar.

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These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "Excuse me, what's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "Excuse me, what's meat?"
The North Korean says, "Excuse me, what's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me? What's excuse me?

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what did one eye say to the other eye ?
There is something between us that smells.
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Sherlock Holmes was sleeping in a tent in a forest alongwith his assistant Watson when he woke up and saw something right over his head. so,he shrugged Watson and asked him whether he noticed anything.
Watson : "I see a lot of stars up there and galaxies and ........blah blah!"
Holmes:"..and nothing else!"
Watson:"Naa!" Holmes:"You moron!our tent is missing"
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Saddam's son goes shopping but everything he bought was packed in boxes.
Saddam asked:"Why in boxes?"
His son replied: "There is no more Bag-dad"
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Once two sardars were playing chess. Two more of them came and asked the previous ones,"Could we play doubles,please."

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Hijacker-We have hijacked this plane now our destination is Paris.
Pilot-But this flight is not going to Paris.
Hijacker-Maybe we hijacked a wrong plane.

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After death,Laloo Yadav,L.K.Advani& Vajpeyi ji went to hell.After some years of hardwork at hell,they remembered their families.They requested Yamraj to let them make a call.
The nearest P.C.O. booth was 10 miles away,so after walking for 3 days,they reached it.
First Mr.Vajpeyi made a call for 2 minutes.Bill--Rs.1000.
Next Mr.Advani made a call for 10 minutes.Bill--Rs.5000.
Then Laloo ji went in and made a call to Bihar for 2 hours. Bill--Rs.20.
The other two went and reported this to Yamraj,to which he replied,"What can I do if there is a local connection between Hell & Bihar?!"
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once teacher asked her students that "one child is sitting on the table and two children are sitting under the table, so how many children are there"?
one child stood up and said "ma'am two children are there".
After hearing this answer second student stood and said "M'am,heis wrong ,the correct answer is 1/2".
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Mother:Faraz, What is the matter,son?Why do you cry?
Faraz:Mother.I got my foot hurt while playing football in the school.
Mother:But what makes you cry now?
Faraz:There was no time to cry in the school.

Soruce: http://www.indiavilas.com/kidscorner/defaultmain.asp?k=other

Student and Teacher Jokes

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."
Teacher: How old is ur father.
Sunny:As old as I am.
Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.


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Teacher:There is a frog,Ship is sinking,potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then,what is my age?
Student:32 yrs.
Teacher:How do you know?
Student:Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

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Teacher:Paul, what is the chemical formula of Water?
Paul: H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O
Teacher: What is this?
Paul: Well!! you said it is H2O.
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Student:(to teacher)Ma'am my pen has run out of ink.
Teacher:Go run after it.
Teacher:Ramu,get up.How can you sleep in my class?
Ramu:I can teacher,if you keep your voice down.

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Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, 'God, are you still in there?'

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Teacher: "Anoop, stop showing off.
Do you think you are the teacher of this class?"
Anoop: "No, Miss."

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Teacher: "Then stop acting like a fool!"
Pupil: “Sir, Would you mind e-mailing my exam results to my parents?”
Teacher: “But your parents don’t have a computer.”
Pupil: “Exactly!” A student to his

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Teacher: “ I haven’t got no pencil.” Teacher, correcting him: “ You don’t have any pencil.
He doesn’t have any pencils. We don’t have any pencils.”Student, with a look of astonishment: “Where have all the pencils gone?” Teacher to
Girl: “Why are you late? ”
Girl: “I started late from home”.
Teacher: “Why didn’t you start early? ”
Girl: “By the time I woke up, it was too late to start early” Teacher to the Student: Why are you tearing up your homework copy?

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Student:To keep the elephants away.
Teacher: But there are no elephants here.

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Student: See, how effective it is!!!
Teacher: You weren't at school last Friday, Robert. I heard you were at the movie theatre.
Robert:That's not true, sir. And I've got the tickets from the football game to prove it.

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned, Ms. Smith."

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Nigel: You said the school dentist would be painless, but he wasn't.
Teacher: Did he hurt you?
Nigel: No, but he screamed when I bit his finger.

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Two sisters came home from school crying their hearts out. "What's wrong?"
asked their mother.
First sister started wailing,"The kids at school make fun of my big feet." "There, there," soothed the mother. "Your feet aren't that big." She turned to the second sister. Now why are you crying?"
"Because I've been invited to a ski party & I can't find my skis." "That's okay," said her mother, "you can borrow your sister's shoes."

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Teacher: How do you spell “CAT”
Sameer: K.A.T
Teacher: But dictionary spells it CAT
Sameer: You asked me how I spell it?

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Teacher: A TEACHER ASKS A STUDENT" NAME 5 MILK PRODUCTS?
Student:HE SAID"BUTTER , CHEESE , GHEE & 2 COWS.
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Teacher: Teacher(asks student)-wats ur father names ?
student(replys teacher) -his name is BUTTER RED
Teacher: teacher(with a surprised face)-wat ?
student(replys) -yes maam his name is MAKHAN LAL !!!!!

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Teacher:Who was Raja Ram Mohan Roy ?
Student:They all four were great friends
Teacher:"What is your name?".
Student:"Mera naam Suraj Prakash hai."
Teacher:"When I ask aquestion in english,answer it in english."
Student:"My name is Sunlight."

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Teacher:how were the exams?
Student:the questions were easy but the answeres were hard.
Teacher:RAGHU,HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT THE EARTH IS ROUND.
RAGHU:I NEVER SAID IT IS ROUND.

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Teacher:Ritu spell "Blind Bird"
RITU:B,l,n,d B,r,d
Teacher:Where are the two i's??
RITU:Teacher a blind bird doesn't have eyes!
Teacher:?????????

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Once a techer said to the children:When I will ask you a question give the answer very fast.
Teacher:What is the capital of India?
Child:Very fast
Teacher: WHAT HAPPEN TO GOLD IF EXPOSED IN AIR?
RAMESH: IT IS STOLEN,SIR

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Rahul:Madam my paper is the neatest.
Teacher:You haven't written anything.
Rahul:That's why it is the neatest.

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Teacher:Rita,please stand up and answer this question.Why did the calf cross the road?
Rita:I don't know ma'm.But I know someone who can answer this question.
Teacher:(astonished)Who?
Rita:Very simple the calf

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Teacher:What is the capital of china
Student:You Know
Teacher:Yes
Student:Then why are you asking
Teacher"Who has read the 25th chapter?" (almost all the students raise their hands)
Teacher"There is no 25th chapter in the book".

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Teacher:STUDENTS DRAW A PICTURE OF BACTERIA.
Student:HERE IT IS MAM.
Teacher:WHERE?IT IS BLANK.
Student:YOU TOLD THAT BACTERIA CANNOT BE SEEN WITH NAKED EYE !

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Teacher:ONCE TEACHER ASKED A CHILD 'WHERE IS THE HIMALAYAS " STUDENT SAID"I DONT KNOW."
Student:THEN TEACHER ORDERED HIM TO STAND ON THE CHAIR" THEN STUDENT TOLD THE TEACHER INNOCENTLY "I STILL CAN'T SEE IT."

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Student: Can you tell me mam, why would a room go to a doctor?
Teacher: You stupid! Anyway, what is the answer?
Student: Very simple! Because it has always got window-pane!
Question:What is the fullform of maths.
Anwser:Mentaly affected teachers harrasing students

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Sir:How can you tell a hawk has good eye sight?
Raj:Because I have never seen a hawk wearing spectacles

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Teacher: Now , Sam , Tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ?
Student: No sir , I don't have to my mom is a good cook

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Teacher:What happened in 1869?
Student:Gandhi ji was born.
Teacher:What happened in 1873?
Student:Gandhiji was four years old.

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Teacher:Ramya and Shilpa!,why are you late for school,today?
Shilpa:Madam,I lost a one rupee coin and was searching for it.
Teachear:Ramya,what about you?
Ramya:Madam,,I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.

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Teacher: Now children , if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him then what virtue would I be showing ?
Student : BROTHERLY LOVE

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A teacher to a Parent:
Teacher:Ma'm your son has cheated in his examinations.
Parent:You can prove that I am sure
Teacher:Well put it this way the first answer of your child's partner was yes.
Parent:So that proves nothing .
Teacher:But for the second question your son's partner wrote "i dont know" and your son wrote "neither do I"

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Teacher: Now children, if I saw a man beating a donkey with a stick and I stop him , what virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.

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Once a teacher with her students went to visit a zoo.
When the teacher saw the lion she told her students that the lion belonged to the cat family.
A watchman heard her and told her that the lion belonged to the zoo not the cat family.

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Teacher:anu,can you name five things made up of milk?
anu:butter,cheese,cream------
Teacher:yes,yes go on.
anu:and two cows

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Teacher:Because of Gandhiji's hard work what do we get on 15th August.
Student:A holiday

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Which is the pan in which we cannot fry something?......
japan

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Teacher:Tomorrow there will be a lecture on Sun.Everyone must attend it.
Raju:No ma'm! I will not be able to attend it.
Teacher:Why?
Raju:My mother will not allow me to go so far!!!

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Teacher:How can you prove it that birds have a sharp eyesight?
Student:Teacher,because I have never seen a bird wearing spectacles

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Teacher:RAJU HOW WILL YOU DISTRIBUTE FIVE ORANGES EQUALLY TO EIGHT PEOPLE?
RAJU:SIMPLE I WILL FIRST TAKE OUT THE JUICE POUR IT IN EIGHT GLASSES AND GIVE THEM

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Teacher(taking an oral test):OK James,tell me how many mangoes will it make if I had 5 mangoes and you give me 2 more?
James:7, mam.
Teacher:good, now tell me if I have 4 apples and I give you.....
James: Sorry mam but I was absent when you taught the class word problems of apples and I forgot to copy it down from my friend.

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teacher-:what happened in 1889.
student-:gandhi ji was born.
Teacher:-what happened in 1892
Student:-ganghi ji was three year old.

Soruce: http://www.indiavilas.com/kidscorner/defaultmain.asp?k=st

पति (पत्नी से)- इस जीवन से मैं तंग आ गया हूं!
पत्नी (पति से)- नही भगवान, मेरे पति से पहले मुझे उठा ले।
पति- तो प्रभु, मैं अब अपनी मर्जी वापिस लेता हूं, तू इसकी सुन ले।

बस के गेट पर लटके हुए मुसाफिरों से कंडक्टर ने कहा- भाइयों, अंदर हो जाओ इस तरह गेट पर लटकना आपकी जान के लिए खतरनाक है।
इसके बाद भी जब यात्री गेट से नही हटे तो कंड क्टर गुस्से से बोला- तुम्हें तुम्हारी पत्नी की कसम अंदर हो जाओ।
इतना सुनना था कि जो मुसाफिर सीटों पर बैठे थे वे भी गेट पर आकर लटक गए।

डॉक्टर (मरीज से)- तुम कितनी बीड़ी पीते हो?
मरीज (डॉक्टर से)- जी, एक दिन में करीब बीस बीड़ी।
डॉक्टर- यदि मुझसे इलाज कराना है, तो इतनी सारी बीड़ी पीने से परहेज रखना होगा। आज से ही एक नियम बना लो कि सिर्फ भोजन के पश्चात ही एक बीड़ी पियोगे।
मरीज ने डॉक्टर की बात सुनकर इलाज कराना शुरु कर दिया। कुछ महीने के बाद मरीज का स्वास्थ्य एकदम सुधर गया।
डॉक्टर- देखा, मेरे बताए परहेज से तुम्हें कितना स्वास्थ्य लाभ हुआ।
मरीज- लेकिन डॉक्टर साहब, एक दिन में बीस बार भोजन भी कोई सरल कार्य नहीं है।

दो बूढ़े काफी वर्र्षो से अच्छे खासे दोस्त थे, दोनों की उम्र अब लगभग 90 के आसपास होगी जब उनमें से एक बहुत बीमार पड़ गया, उसका दूसरा बूढ़ा दोस्त उसे रोज मिलने के लिए आता था ओर रोज वे अपने दोस्ती के किस्से दोहराते थे, उन्हें लगभग अब यकीन हो चला था कि जो बीमार था वह कुछ चंद दिनों का ही साथी है, एक दिन उसके बूढ़े दोस्त ने बिस्तर पर पड़े अपने दोस्त से कहा, देखो जब तुम मर जाओगे, मेरे लिए एक काम करोगे?
कौन सा काम? बिस्तर पर पड़े दोस्त ने पूछा, तुम मरने के बाद स्वर्ग में क्रिकेट है क्या यह मुझे बताओगे? दूसरे ने पूछा।
दोनों क्रिकेट के बहुत दिवाने थे।
क्यों नही जरूर बिस्तर पर पड़े दोस्त ने कहा, और एक दो दिन में ही बीमार पड़ा दोस्त भगवान को प्यारा हो गया।
कुछ दिनों बाद जो जिंदा बूढ़ा दोस्त था उसे नींद में अपने मरे हुए दोस्त की आवाज सुनाई दी। तुम्हारे लिए मेरे पास दो खबरें है..एक बुरी और एक अच्छी..अच्छी खबर यह है कि स्वर्ग में क्रिकेट है...
और बुरी खबर?
और बुरी खबर यह है कि तुम्हें आने वाले बृहस्पतिवार के मैच में बॉलिंग करनी है।


राजेश (मोहन से)- अरे दोस्त, पत्नी को बेगम क्यों कहते है?
मोहन (राजेश से)- दोस्त, शादी के बाद सारे गम पति को मिलते हैं और पत्नी बेगम हो जाती है।

Soruce: http://in.jagran.yahoo.com/gudgudee/?category=5

The Smart Bihari

The Smart Bihari

There was this Bihari who was travelling with two tickets

When the T.T.E asked for the ticket, this fellow gave both the tickets, and so the T.T.E asked him the reason of buying two tickets.

This fellow answered well what will happen if in case I lose one of them,

so the T.T.E said what if you lose both of them,

so this guy said then why do I have a monthly pass.

Bengal Fights Back - Palao Regiment

1. Blady war on our boarder,Sons of Bengal bheel crush these hoarders. All join CRP and Army,Bugger Chinese must flee.

2. Recruiting offishsars taking names,Whife say Bholanath don't be shamed,Put your name on top of the least,Phor phree clothing and phresh pheesh.

3. To the depoh all are sent,Banerjees, Choudhurys all did went,Debs, Deys, Duttas and Das,Shaking posterior with big arse.

4. Guptos, Ghosh, Guhas and Mondols,Looking like many dhobi bundles,Mookherjees, Chatterjees, Mazumdars and Mitters,Grinding tooths for hurt (heart) is bitter.

5. Shum-one is shouting tarn to right,Phor medical exam and eyeshight.Doctor is telling undress phull,But I am feeling blady phool.

6. Doctor putting tape around chest,Breathe in and out and dam the rest.Myself feeling bhery sai (shy),Doctor is pheeling near thigh.

7. Now for khaki clothing go,I am rushing but dhuti tore.Pushing, heaving, jostling and banging,But I pheel something is hanging.

8. Clothes not criteria, not to worry,Bholanath Sen nebher pheel sorry.Phor Sons of Bengal least care,Any dam cloth we bhere.

9. Donning bush coat and khaki pant,Boots and belt with cap on Cantt.I am looking jolly swank,Surely I wheel gate offishsars rank.

10. Shum-one shouting 'at-tention',But how to fight without gun,Now offishshar shouting phall in quick,Jumping, gibing blady kick.

11. Marching smirtly in jauntless phasion,Bengal's hurt (heart) is barning with passion.
Gibe us guns and habe compassion,We can't fight in nonsense phasion.

12. News is comming bhery grabe,Whife says Bholanath be brabe.Shosur and Shashuree shitting tight,Why phor are they getting phright.

13. NEFA area we must defend,Bengal heroes to the end.Nebher mind cease-phire planed,
We will phight with chata in hand.

14. Asham border getting hotter,What I care for whife and daughter.
Chinese buggers I will slaughter,Oh by God I am passing water.

15. Chinese buggers all good fighters,Sons of Bengal mostly writers.
Let the jawans phight with knibes,We are palaoing to our whifes.

16. Whife is telling Bholanath be bold,So I am gibbing all her gold.
Market prices bhery phunny,Raaskel buggers are making money.

17. People gibbing a lot of guph,Communist being rounded uph.
They are telling going to go,Yes, I telling but hurt (heart) saying no.

18. When I hear the bugle call,I will eat my macher-jhoal.
Like true Son of Bengal I palao,Clutching dhuti, kombol and all.

19. Chinese buggers comming whild, I am hide with behind high. They are gibbing battle cry, While I pray for Kali Mai.

20. Now I am asking all of you, Hindus, Muslims,Sikhs and Anglos too. Pray Chinese do not come, Phor all will die weeth bullet in bum.

Banta was in the army.

Banta was in the army.

Banta was in the army.

During the war with Pakistan, Banta used his intelligence to kill many Pakistani soldiers.

He would hide behind the bushes and shout Pakistani names like - Imran Khan etc. and the soldier named Imran Khan would get up to say "I am here !" Then Banta would shoot him down.

This went on till Banta almost wiped out all the soldiers single handedly!Suddenly the Pakistani commander realized that Banta was killing all his soldiers by fooling them.

So he decides to use Banta's own method to kill him and starts calling him names like Banta etc.

Banta realizing that the Pakistani was using his trick, suddenly says "Who called me?" and the Commander gets up to say "I called you."

Banta shoots him down!

The Genie

Three guys, a Pak, a Sri Lankan and an Indian are out walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total" says the Genie.

The Sri Lankan says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm.

I want the land to be forever fertile in Sri Lanka." With a blink of the Genie's eye,'FOOM' the land in Sri Lanka was forever made fertile for farming.

The Paki was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Pakistan, so that no foreigners can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Pakistan.

The Indian asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the state.Nothing can get in or out."

The Indian says, "My wish is that you fill it up with water."

Joke of the Day

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?”